Good, he wants to say, and kind of does (feelings transmission makes things weird), but immediately feels bad about it and then resents that he does. He is glad Five is gone, but Jamil is also still aware enough to admit that he essentially just attacked him, and Five is taking the high road by leaving.
His mood is dire enough that he's not willing to be that charitable out loud, but he can at least acknowledge it (mostly) to himself. But also, whatever. Fuck that guy.
All of this that Jamil is upset about is far beyond Kalim's power to influence. Kalim making out with his horrible bird boyfriend right where Jamil can witness was thoughtless of him, sure, but so is everything Kalim does. It served a reminder of his current circumstances but it is not, actually, anywhere near the worse thing that's happened to him recently. None of that is Kalim's fault.
And... well. Jamil supposes not even he can blame Kalim for doing what anyone would want to do upon reuniting with someone they can actually touch. When that thought hits him, he goes cold.
It's fine, he says dully, suddenly feeling resigned. I'm not mad anymore. You should just do what you want.
"Jamil..." Kalim pulls up his feet to sit cross legged on the bed. He can sense that resignation, and he really doesn't like it. "I don't want to make you mad, but I don't want to make you sad, either. We don't have to figure everything out right now if you still don't want to talk about it, but... I think... right now this isn't fair to either of you guys, is it?"
Right, so, here they are. They're having this conversation sooner rather than later after all. He doesn't want Kalim so privy to his feelings for this, so he lifts off from his shoulder; but he's also reluctant to meet Kalim's eyes right now, so he compromises by coalescing into a dense little cloud roiling in place rather than forming a fully humanoid shape.
"It's not," he agrees. It's easier to keep his voice coolly pragmatic this way. "Which is why you should stick to the relationship you can actually have."
"...What?" He sits up straighter, distress creasing his face. He isn't letting himself fully grasp what Jamil is getting at, but he can't pretend he likes the sound of it. "Jamil, what do you mean?"
The little ball of smoke flares immediately with anger, like a smoldering coal being fanned.
"Kalim, use your brain for fucking once!" Despite his best efforts, his voice is already cracking with grief. The flaring only increases the more he yells, in place of any physical gesture he could make. "I'm--I'm made of smoke! I don't have a body! What am I even supposed to do like this?! I can't be in a relationship!"
Kalim's eyes go wide. His instinct is to say, why not? ...but Jamil just gave him a very emphatic order, and his Golem soul won't let him. He has no choice but to do as he's told and use his brain for once: to sit for a moment with what Jamil has said and determine on his own why he would decide this.
It's nerve-wracking, to be honest! He doesn't trust his own assessment of Jamil's thought process at all. But...
He shakes his head, staring helplessly at the roiling cloud of smoke.
"... I don't care about that," he says at last. "I mean, I do care about it, I want to be able to touch you, but I still love you even if I can't! That's not everything being with someone is."
Miracle of miracles that Kalim actually listens to him, which trips up Jamil's tirade for a second. There he goes again, talking about love. Jamil doesn't want to talk about love, he wants to talk about practicalities.
"That's easy to say now," he shoots back, "but you have someone right there who can do all those things--you want to talk about what's 'fair'? If you don't choose the person who actually exists then you are an idiot, Kalim Al-Asim, and there's no hope for you!"
"Fine, then I'm an idiot! It's not like that's news to you!" Kalim clenches his fists at his sides. "If, if you want to break up then just say that, you don't have to come up with reasons we have to whether you like it or not!"
"I don't--" He doesn't have a throat anymore, but his voice is thick. "I don't want to, I--"
He does have to come up with a reason. This is how he operates, he cuts and runs at any hurdle where it's possible to do so. He can't stand the thought of being like this forever, and he can't imagine a universe where anyone would feel differently, Kalim included--Kalim just doesn't understand that yet, because he's too short-sighted. He'll get fed up eventually. Anyone would. Jamil's already at his limit with it.
But he can't articulate any of that. It feels too large to put into words, and they stick in that nonexistent throat on the way out. Instead he wafts back onto Kalim's shoulder as abruptly as he'd left, embarrassingly craving the physical contact in his distress, even despite the topic of their conversation. He hates this. He hates having to be like this. His snake body wends into the curves of Kalim's neck with as much force as it can.
I don't know if I can do this, he thinks, not even really at Kalim, but, well, he'll have no real choice but to receive it. Silver linings, perhaps, because it's really the crux of the issue. I don't know if I can live like this.
Kalim's eyes fill with tears. He brings his hand up again to cover Jamil's snake form, like he did when Five had just walked into the apartment earlier, part protective impulse and part relief at being back in contact with him.
"Well," he says, "well, maybe you won't have to. I was... we were talking about it before out in the living room, and he said we should talk to other people with Spectral souls, some of them might have figured out this kind of thing already. I mean, you already have more weird powers we don't know about yet, so..."
He bites his lip.
"And, well, even if it's really just going to be like this forever... Then you can at least let me be here for you. Please."
Kalim's words brush over Jamil like gossamer; he barely hears them. For a long while he just lies there numbly in the crook of Kalim's neck, too awash in emotions he doesn't have the words to express. There's no point in saying that it's not that simple, because Kalim will just insist that it is, and they'll go round and round like that and stay exactly where they are with no progress made in any direction. Jamil doesn't have the energy to go through all that right now. He just wants to curl in on himself and hide and not think anymore until everything stops being so overwhelming.
Touching Kalim helps. Eventually, just from their proximity, the turmoil of Jamil's thoughts calms from whitewater to a gentler current. Existing like this starts to feel endurable, if just for this one moment, and then the next one after that, and then the next. He doesn't move yet, but he doesn't feel so knotted up.
He isn't quite at equilibrium yet, but at least he isn't actively losing it anymore. And he's officially too much of a coward to give this up just yet.
You really don't know when to back off, do you? he says to Kalim finally, though there's not much heat in it. That's something really annoying about you.
Kalim laughs softly, only half smiling. His voice is quiet when he replies.
"If I backed off you'd still be here all on your own, being sad. And thinking I don't care about you." He sighs. "I'm always going to care about you, though. You can't just tell me to stop doing it because you're a ghost now. You know that, right?"
If Jamil could roll his eyes, he would, if only for the sake of appearances. You can't tell Kalim to do anything because he doesn't listen, but never mind. As if there was any chance Kalim would lose feelings at this stage--that isn't the issue. The issue is how long Jamil can stomach the condescension of the pantomime before he snaps, especially when the real thing is constantly flaunted in front of him.
Which brings them to the same point as before. Is Jamil going to be so selfish as to demand they break up just so he doesn't have to look at it? He's capable of it, certainly. He'd surely be happier that way. But Kalim wouldn't. Is he going to make that reality?
What would you do if I said I wanted you to stop seeing him? he asks at length.
He's not exactly intentionally broadcasting his distress at this question, but he's not trying to conceal it, either. Jamil will be able to feel the shape of it, as the seconds draw out in silence. It's not indecision -- he's known from the start what his choice would be if it came down to this. What his choice would have to be. But it feels terrible.
"Then... Then I'd stop," he says, hanging his head. He swallows, gripping the bedsheets. "If -- if that's what you wanted I'd break it off."
It hangs there between them in silence for a while.
It's the answer Jamil had been expecting--or, more accurately, the answer he'd been hoping for but a small part of him had been terrified to confirm. But it doesn't feel as satisfying as it ought to. Instead of a triumphant confirmation of Jamil's importance, it just kind of makes him feel like a shitty person.
I don't... actually want you to be sad either, he admits reluctantly. I know you like him a lot.
There's an awkward silence. What happened to the Kalim from a moment ago who'd been able to piece things together himself?
Right, well... Jamil says hesitantly. It's a good thing that he can stay out of sight much more easily in this form, and also that he can't humiliate himself by blushing when he's having big feelings he's struggling to communicate. I don't like him, but if I told you to dump him you'd be intolerable. So.
"I wouldn't," Kalim protests at first, but then he hesitates a moment. "Well... I'd be really sad, so I guess..." He makes another futile attempt to look round at the snake at the back of his neck. "Are... d'you mean I don't have to...?"
Maybe, Jamil grumbles, still unresponsive to Kalim's troubles, which is the best he can do right now. He still doesn't love this, but he feels reluctant to push it. I don't know. Something about it doesn't feel right, I guess.
"Jamil..." Kalim sniffles gratefully. "I will, I'll try, I promise. I meant it when I said I want to, to do stuff you're okay with. Just, tell me, okay? If you don't want us to do that stuff when you're home, or... anything else. If you tell me I won't do it."
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He reaches up to touch Jamil's little snake body with his fingertips, and sighs.
"He left," he tells him. "I'm sorry."
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His mood is dire enough that he's not willing to be that charitable out loud, but he can at least acknowledge it (mostly) to himself. But also, whatever. Fuck that guy.
What are you apologizing for? he mutters finally.
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“Well... you know..." He drops his hand to his lap. "For... All of this."
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All of this that Jamil is upset about is far beyond Kalim's power to influence. Kalim making out with his horrible bird boyfriend right where Jamil can witness was thoughtless of him, sure, but so is everything Kalim does. It served a reminder of his current circumstances but it is not, actually, anywhere near the worse thing that's happened to him recently. None of that is Kalim's fault.
And... well. Jamil supposes not even he can blame Kalim for doing what anyone would want to do upon reuniting with someone they can actually touch. When that thought hits him, he goes cold.
It's fine, he says dully, suddenly feeling resigned. I'm not mad anymore. You should just do what you want.
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"It's not," he agrees. It's easier to keep his voice coolly pragmatic this way. "Which is why you should stick to the relationship you can actually have."
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"...What?" He sits up straighter, distress creasing his face. He isn't letting himself fully grasp what Jamil is getting at, but he can't pretend he likes the sound of it. "Jamil, what do you mean?"
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"Kalim, use your brain for fucking once!" Despite his best efforts, his voice is already cracking with grief. The flaring only increases the more he yells, in place of any physical gesture he could make. "I'm--I'm made of smoke! I don't have a body! What am I even supposed to do like this?! I can't be in a relationship!"
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It's nerve-wracking, to be honest! He doesn't trust his own assessment of Jamil's thought process at all. But...
He shakes his head, staring helplessly at the roiling cloud of smoke.
"... I don't care about that," he says at last. "I mean, I do care about it, I want to be able to touch you, but I still love you even if I can't! That's not everything being with someone is."
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"That's easy to say now," he shoots back, "but you have someone right there who can do all those things--you want to talk about what's 'fair'? If you don't choose the person who actually exists then you are an idiot, Kalim Al-Asim, and there's no hope for you!"
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He does have to come up with a reason. This is how he operates, he cuts and runs at any hurdle where it's possible to do so. He can't stand the thought of being like this forever, and he can't imagine a universe where anyone would feel differently, Kalim included--Kalim just doesn't understand that yet, because he's too short-sighted. He'll get fed up eventually. Anyone would. Jamil's already at his limit with it.
But he can't articulate any of that. It feels too large to put into words, and they stick in that nonexistent throat on the way out. Instead he wafts back onto Kalim's shoulder as abruptly as he'd left, embarrassingly craving the physical contact in his distress, even despite the topic of their conversation. He hates this. He hates having to be like this. His snake body wends into the curves of Kalim's neck with as much force as it can.
I don't know if I can do this, he thinks, not even really at Kalim, but, well, he'll have no real choice but to receive it. Silver linings, perhaps, because it's really the crux of the issue. I don't know if I can live like this.
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"Well," he says, "well, maybe you won't have to. I was... we were talking about it before out in the living room, and he said we should talk to other people with Spectral souls, some of them might have figured out this kind of thing already. I mean, you already have more weird powers we don't know about yet, so..."
He bites his lip.
"And, well, even if it's really just going to be like this forever... Then you can at least let me be here for you. Please."
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Touching Kalim helps. Eventually, just from their proximity, the turmoil of Jamil's thoughts calms from whitewater to a gentler current. Existing like this starts to feel endurable, if just for this one moment, and then the next one after that, and then the next. He doesn't move yet, but he doesn't feel so knotted up.
He isn't quite at equilibrium yet, but at least he isn't actively losing it anymore. And he's officially too much of a coward to give this up just yet.
You really don't know when to back off, do you? he says to Kalim finally, though there's not much heat in it. That's something really annoying about you.
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"If I backed off you'd still be here all on your own, being sad. And thinking I don't care about you." He sighs. "I'm always going to care about you, though. You can't just tell me to stop doing it because you're a ghost now. You know that, right?"
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Which brings them to the same point as before. Is Jamil going to be so selfish as to demand they break up just so he doesn't have to look at it? He's capable of it, certainly. He'd surely be happier that way. But Kalim wouldn't. Is he going to make that reality?
What would you do if I said I wanted you to stop seeing him? he asks at length.
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He's not exactly intentionally broadcasting his distress at this question, but he's not trying to conceal it, either. Jamil will be able to feel the shape of it, as the seconds draw out in silence. It's not indecision -- he's known from the start what his choice would be if it came down to this. What his choice would have to be. But it feels terrible.
"Then... Then I'd stop," he says, hanging his head. He swallows, gripping the bedsheets. "If -- if that's what you wanted I'd break it off."
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It's the answer Jamil had been expecting--or, more accurately, the answer he'd been hoping for but a small part of him had been terrified to confirm. But it doesn't feel as satisfying as it ought to. Instead of a triumphant confirmation of Jamil's importance, it just kind of makes him feel like a shitty person.
I don't... actually want you to be sad either, he admits reluctantly. I know you like him a lot.
(For some unfathomable reason.)
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He blinks tears from his eyes again.
"I do like him a lot," he says in a small voice. "He's really nice to me."
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You think everyone's nice to you, he mutters. You trust everyone on sight. Do you kiss all of them too?
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He shrugs.
"It's different with you too. Even though you aren't nice to me," he adds fondly.
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Right, well... Jamil says hesitantly. It's a good thing that he can stay out of sight much more easily in this form, and also that he can't humiliate himself by blushing when he's having big feelings he's struggling to communicate. I don't like him, but if I told you to dump him you'd be intolerable. So.
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He pauses.
Just... try to have a better sense of timing.
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