"That's not true!" Kalim's eyes well up with a fresh crop of tears. Who needs his signature spell back, honestly! "And even if it was, that doesn't matter! I still care about it! What's the point of any of it if I can't make you happy?"
Jamil inhales sharply with shock. He hadn't realized Kalim feels this strongly about this; they'd never really talked about anything that happened. After the disaster of a stunt Jamil pulled over winter break, he'd considered himself lucky to return to the way things were without further repercussions. He'd long since resigned himself to the fact that Night Raven College had been his only chance to pretend at freedom, if only temporary, and he'd already blown that shot. He'd just assumed Kalim had understood the same, and was carrying on with the same silly, flighty, thoughtless, cavalier attitude with which he does everything.
This simple revelation of Kalim's priorities is too overwhelming for Jamil to process. Kalim can't just say things like that. Does he even know how he sounds?
(Of course he doesn't. That's Kalim's privilege, that he can just say whatever he wants without a care what it might mean to other people.)
Standing over Kalim while he's pathetically curled up on the bed suddenly feels exhausting for some reason, but Jamil doesn't really want to sit back down next to him either, so he compromises by sliding down the opposite wall to sit on the floor. There, now they both look pathetic.
"That's not up to you."
He doesn't know what else to say; this isn't a distress he actually knows how to soothe, because the heart of the problem is still that what Kalim wants is impossible. Even if it was up to Kalim, Jamil doesn't even know what "happy" looks like for him. He's certain it isn't anything Kalim could give him.
Kalim watches him fold down to the floor and he wants to get down from the bed to join him but he can't. He feels locked in place by his uncertainty, so unmoored by everything Jamil has said to him that no action seems safe to make.
"So -- so what, then? I'm just supposed to watch you be miserable, for the rest of our lives--?"
Jamil feels like he should be satisfied that Kalim seems to finally get it, but strangely enough, seeing Kalim cry has never felt like the victory it should. Mostly Jamil just feels like shit. Not enough to get up there and coo at him the way he'd be expected to, but he doesn't really love the conclusion they've reached here either. At least now they're finally on the same page about it.
And, well. Kalim isn't the only one doing some reassessing. Maybe this is a conversation they should have had a long time ago.
"I could say the same thing to you," he says, keeping his voice neutral. He's not trying to start another argument. "I... didn't realize you were that serious about it."
Kalim looks up in surprise. He was expecting some kind of mean remark. It's unusual for Jamil to admit he misunderstood something.
"Ah... Haha. Yeah, well. I just figured I had to sell my dad on it, you know?" He wipes the back of his wrist over his face. "You're so talented. If they let you go off to do other stuff, then...it'd be really good for our family to have that connection to whatever you end up doing, especially if my kids end up having magic too..." Kalim smiles dejectedly. "He gets really excited whenever I mention his grandkids. I thought it could work."
It's a nice thought. Jamil tilts his head back and lets himself imagine it for a moment--being some Asim business contact, in their service only as a formality, free to go wherever he wants. He doesn't entertain it for long. Even supposing the rest of Kalim's family could be convinced to just let one of their bespoke personal retainers fly the coop--supposing the rest of his own family could handle the news without dying of shock--something about the idea feels so incomplete that he can't fathom it ever materializing. Like it's missing something fundamental. It just... wouldn't work.
So. A nice thought is all it is.
"You can't do all that just for me." Despite his words, Jamil's tone is matter-of-fact, rather than chiding. "I'm just your servant, Kalim. It would disrupt too much to ever be worth it. And don't say you don't care, that still matters regardless of how much you don't want it to."
Kalim drops his forehead to his knees, clenching his fingers in the fabric of his cardigan, and lets out a long breath.
"It wouldn't just be for you," he says. "I think... if I had to spend the rest of my life watching you stuck like that, I..." He turns his head to the side, cheek pressed against his leg, and looks at the wall. "I don't know. I don't know what I'd do."
Jamil's heart clenches. He needs Kalim to stop saying things like that. Like--like it affects him in any way that Jamil might end up trapped in a job he hates. Jamil's the one who actually has to live it and he's been resigned to this since he was a child. The sooner Kalim comes to terms with what he should have realized the entire time, the sooner they can all get on with their sordidly predetermined little lives. Why does he even care?
It was almost easier when Kalim didn't know; then at least one of them was living in blissful ignorance. Now nothing has changed except both of them are miserable.
(Well, there's really only one person to blame for that one, huh?)
"Just laugh it off like you do with everything else. What makes this any different?"
Kalim lifts his head, jerkily, like he's been slapped.
He feels at once ashamed that that's his habit, when Jamil's scorn for it is so obvious, and ashamed that he can't just smile and move on from this regardless. It's hitting him suddenly that his feelings are making this difficult, when Jamil obviously thinks it doesn't need to be. Nobody else is making a fuss over this. What does he have to complain about? Isn't this just like the rest of it, part of the price he has to pay, like his dad says, for living such a charmed life?
It's not like everything else, though. It's not like when something bad happens to him and he has to just put it behind him as quick as he can so nobody has to worry about him -- he's not the one who's suffering, and it's never over.
He takes an unsteady breath, managing to regain some of his footing.
"It's different because it's you," he replies, as if that was a neutral question and not a mean jab. "And you'd hate it if I did that, anyway."
Jamil resolutely tries not to feel bad that his remark apparently hit home and mostly fails at it. He pulls up his legs and wraps his arms around his knees, a mirror to Kalim's position. It strikes him as darkly appropriate that Kalim is on the bed and he is on the floor in his own room, even as he feels no real ownership over it.
"Since when do you care so much about how I feel?" This time, it is an honest question. Kalim has always craved Jamil's approval, sure; always demanded his attention, always wanted to be the center of Jamil's world the way that Jamil unwillingly seemed to be Kalim's, but actually caring what Jamil wants? Where was this whenever Kalim wanted to throw last minute parties or dismissed Jamil's every safety precaution or followed him to fucking school in the first place?
"Um," he says. "Since all this...nearly killed you?"
And, well, he did worry before that, but... it was always so easy to just brush it off and take everything for granted, when Jamil never got seriously mad at him. When it always seemed like it was forgiven so easily, because Kalim couldn't imagine how a person could go on taking such diligent care of someone if they were truly mad at them.
Oops!
"I didn't get it before," he adds. "But... I guess I kind of still don't. Haha."
Jamil doesn't have anything to say to that--it's true, as far as he's concerned. It also doesn't change anything about the impasse they're currently at, but at least Kalim is aware of that now, or so he says. For several long moments Jamil just sits there and lets Kalim sniffle into the silence. Then, finally, he sighs and hauls himself to his feet, rubbing the heels of his palms into his eyes in a rare blatant show of tiredness.
"At least we're on the same page now." Even if that's not true, maybe if Jamil says it firmly enough Kalim will believe him and they can both go to bed. "So can we stop with this nonsense? I'm tired of pretending I'm not constantly mending your sweater."
In the doorway, leaning silently against the entrance into the room, is one specific fae. His arms are resting around himself, one hand resting against his arm. When had he got there? How long had he been standing there? Why was there no sound to indicate he was there at all in the first place?
A plethora of questions can be asked - later. For now, he finally makes himself known.
"Boys," Lilia begins, his gaze somewhat softer than what one might imagine from him. That or its all in their heads, "You are aware that you're quite loud, yes?"
He peers between them both, as if assessing... something. Hard to tell what. But. Feel seen.
Lilia's appearance catches Jamil completely by surprise, so naturally his reaction is to whirl around with his hand raised like he's about to attack.
--Presumably Lilia would easily have been able to dodge him, but Jamil comes to his senses quickly enough to not actually try and hit him, but it's a very strong impulse.
Kalim had already been halfway through straightening up in surprise over what Jamil said about his sweater (although that does explain some things, and maybe he just wasn't letting himself wonder about it too hard) when Lilia announces himself, and he actually jumps a little. Next to Jamil his reaction seems positively restrained, though...
"L-Lilia??" He covers his mouth with his hand. Didn't he close the door...? (He did not close the door.)
Lilia doesn't even flinch when Jamil's hand is raised, although a perceptive eye (which, may be neither of them right now) would be able to catch the slight tensing of his muscles, the preparation to move out of the way or block any attack.
Good reflexes on that one. He's proud.
"Mm, long enough." Lilia replies easily, "Not that I needed to stand right here to hear the two of you."
Give him a second to finish his assessment, before he brings up a hand to wave it at the two. "You've such a complex relationship and such a difficulty talking about it. You both have so much to learn about each other. Don't waste your time by arguing, that will get you no where. You need to give yourselves the time and space to listen, with clear heads." And, with that, he pushes off the wall, standing up properly.
"Do either of you want some tea? Something herbal, perhaps...? I'll start some~" And he's moving to grab the doorknob on his way, planning to close the door for them.
Jamil stands there gaping like a fish, caught between still reeling from Lilia's sudden presence, embarrassment at how much he possibly heard, and irritation that he'd ring in at all when he has no idea how complicated this actually is, thanks! How could he possibly relate!!!
He isn't so tired he can't keep himself from running his mouth, though, and it occurs to him a split second later that Lilia has actually given him the perfect opportunity to escape this situation. How generous of him!
"That's all right, I can make the tea. We should all be getting back to bed, I think." OK great that's settled he'll be leaving the room first thanks.
"It is as Kalim says," Lilia brings his hand up, touch both gentle and rough as he settles it against Jamil's shoulder, to push him back further into the room. "I made the suggestion first. I can handle tea just fine. You need to sit and listen. Both of you." The little demand is made, placed on their heads. His tone is almost... threatening? As is that smile of his.
"He may be your responsibility, but I believe, if you pay enough attention, it's clear you're also his, in a way. You're friends after all." Vague and strange as usual. "I'll return momentarily. Sit. Talk."
And, he's closing the door before either can argue.
Jamil is a little too stunned at being ganged up on to protest too much. He just watches gobsmacked as Lilia leaves. He feels a bit like a sudden tornado just blew through. What just happened?
"We were talking," he mutters, mostly to himself. "We were done." And he's certainly not up for continuing now that he knows someone is eavesdropping! "Kalim, we should just go to bed."
Kalim stares at the closed door in faint surprise. Lilia is so cool and responsible sometimes! Maybe it's not that weird that he's a 700-year-old father of three after all...
"We weren't done!" he protests. "Jamil, please... Even if you don't leave -- no, especially if you don't! We can't just carry on doing everything the same!"
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This simple revelation of Kalim's priorities is too overwhelming for Jamil to process. Kalim can't just say things like that. Does he even know how he sounds?
(Of course he doesn't. That's Kalim's privilege, that he can just say whatever he wants without a care what it might mean to other people.)
Standing over Kalim while he's pathetically curled up on the bed suddenly feels exhausting for some reason, but Jamil doesn't really want to sit back down next to him either, so he compromises by sliding down the opposite wall to sit on the floor. There, now they both look pathetic.
"That's not up to you."
He doesn't know what else to say; this isn't a distress he actually knows how to soothe, because the heart of the problem is still that what Kalim wants is impossible. Even if it was up to Kalim, Jamil doesn't even know what "happy" looks like for him. He's certain it isn't anything Kalim could give him.
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"So -- so what, then? I'm just supposed to watch you be miserable, for the rest of our lives--?"
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"I guess so," he snaps. "What do you want me to say? We covered this months ago, it shouldn't be news to you by now."
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Oh. Right.
This entire time, then, that's all this change has meant to Jamil? That now Kalim knows about it?
He pushes the tears out of his eyes with the heel of his palm and tries to make himself laugh, but it just comes out as a tragic little hiccup.
"I still really don't know how to read you, huh..."
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And, well. Kalim isn't the only one doing some reassessing. Maybe this is a conversation they should have had a long time ago.
"I could say the same thing to you," he says, keeping his voice neutral. He's not trying to start another argument. "I... didn't realize you were that serious about it."
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"Ah... Haha. Yeah, well. I just figured I had to sell my dad on it, you know?" He wipes the back of his wrist over his face. "You're so talented. If they let you go off to do other stuff, then...it'd be really good for our family to have that connection to whatever you end up doing, especially if my kids end up having magic too..." Kalim smiles dejectedly. "He gets really excited whenever I mention his grandkids. I thought it could work."
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So. A nice thought is all it is.
"You can't do all that just for me." Despite his words, Jamil's tone is matter-of-fact, rather than chiding. "I'm just your servant, Kalim. It would disrupt too much to ever be worth it. And don't say you don't care, that still matters regardless of how much you don't want it to."
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"It wouldn't just be for you," he says. "I think... if I had to spend the rest of my life watching you stuck like that, I..." He turns his head to the side, cheek pressed against his leg, and looks at the wall. "I don't know. I don't know what I'd do."
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It was almost easier when Kalim didn't know; then at least one of them was living in blissful ignorance. Now nothing has changed except both of them are miserable.
(Well, there's really only one person to blame for that one, huh?)
"Just laugh it off like you do with everything else. What makes this any different?"
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He feels at once ashamed that that's his habit, when Jamil's scorn for it is so obvious, and ashamed that he can't just smile and move on from this regardless. It's hitting him suddenly that his feelings are making this difficult, when Jamil obviously thinks it doesn't need to be. Nobody else is making a fuss over this. What does he have to complain about? Isn't this just like the rest of it, part of the price he has to pay, like his dad says, for living such a charmed life?
It's not like everything else, though. It's not like when something bad happens to him and he has to just put it behind him as quick as he can so nobody has to worry about him -- he's not the one who's suffering, and it's never over.
He takes an unsteady breath, managing to regain some of his footing.
"It's different because it's you," he replies, as if that was a neutral question and not a mean jab. "And you'd hate it if I did that, anyway."
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"Since when do you care so much about how I feel?" This time, it is an honest question. Kalim has always craved Jamil's approval, sure; always demanded his attention, always wanted to be the center of Jamil's world the way that Jamil unwillingly seemed to be Kalim's, but actually caring what Jamil wants? Where was this whenever Kalim wanted to throw last minute parties or dismissed Jamil's every safety precaution or followed him to fucking school in the first place?
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"Um," he says. "Since all this...nearly killed you?"
And, well, he did worry before that, but... it was always so easy to just brush it off and take everything for granted, when Jamil never got seriously mad at him. When it always seemed like it was forgiven so easily, because Kalim couldn't imagine how a person could go on taking such diligent care of someone if they were truly mad at them.
Oops!
"I didn't get it before," he adds. "But... I guess I kind of still don't. Haha."
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"At least we're on the same page now." Even if that's not true, maybe if Jamil says it firmly enough Kalim will believe him and they can both go to bed. "So can we stop with this nonsense? I'm tired of pretending I'm not constantly mending your sweater."
boys oh boys....
A plethora of questions can be asked - later. For now, he finally makes himself known.
"Boys," Lilia begins, his gaze somewhat softer than what one might imagine from him. That or its all in their heads, "You are aware that you're quite loud, yes?"
He peers between them both, as if assessing... something. Hard to tell what. But. Feel seen.
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--Presumably Lilia would easily have been able to dodge him, but Jamil comes to his senses quickly enough to not actually try and hit him, but it's a very strong impulse.
"How long have you been there?!"
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"L-Lilia??" He covers his mouth with his hand. Didn't he close the door...? (He did not close the door.)
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Good reflexes on that one. He's proud.
"Mm, long enough." Lilia replies easily, "Not that I needed to stand right here to hear the two of you."
Give him a second to finish his assessment, before he brings up a hand to wave it at the two. "You've such a complex relationship and such a difficulty talking about it. You both have so much to learn about each other. Don't waste your time by arguing, that will get you no where. You need to give yourselves the time and space to listen, with clear heads." And, with that, he pushes off the wall, standing up properly.
"Do either of you want some tea? Something herbal, perhaps...? I'll start some~" And he's moving to grab the doorknob on his way, planning to close the door for them.
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He isn't so tired he can't keep himself from running his mouth, though, and it occurs to him a split second later that Lilia has actually given him the perfect opportunity to escape this situation. How generous of him!
"That's all right, I can make the tea. We should all be getting back to bed, I think." OK great that's settled he'll be leaving the room first thanks.
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Kalim starts after him, but...ah. Hm. The alternative is Lilia making the tea...
...
...
...
No. Some things are more important than keeping Lilia out of the kitchen. He's afraid if he lets Jamil leave they'll never talk about this again.
He grabs Jamil's sleeve.
"It's okay! Lilia said he'd do it!" His smile is a little strained.
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"He may be your responsibility, but I believe, if you pay enough attention, it's clear you're also his, in a way. You're friends after all." Vague and strange as usual. "I'll return momentarily. Sit. Talk."
And, he's closing the door before either can argue.
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"We were talking," he mutters, mostly to himself. "We were done." And he's certainly not up for continuing now that he knows someone is eavesdropping! "Kalim, we should just go to bed."
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"We weren't done!" he protests. "Jamil, please... Even if you don't leave -- no, especially if you don't! We can't just carry on doing everything the same!"
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"How, then? It's one thing not to throw my grades anymore, Kalim, but that only matters while we're at school. Do you understand what servant means?"
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"Yes! I do! It means Lilia's right, and you're my responsibility too! If you're going to be stuck with me for ever then I have to make it less awful!"
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